The source of "true marriage healing" lies within the spiritual aspects of who we are. How do I know this? Because I've been to marriage counseling, and I have read all the self-help marriage books, and because, I did all the things "they say" that are supposed to help you love who you married. But the reality of it is folks, there is no magic pill or potion you can take, and there is no person, besides you, that is going to heal your marriage as it is meant to be healed.
He said, she said scenarios don't work, and neither will finger pointing and blaming one another. We can brow beat our spouse until we are blue in the face, and we can continue to have affairs just because our marriage is on rocky times, and we can listen to strangers tell us how to save our marriage, but I'll tell you what, it will not make us better people inside, so what good is all that for our marriage?
What we want and need for marriage is to be the person God intended for us to be so we can have a better marriage. A man and a woman marriage relationship is the four legs that support the marriage, and what you believe for your marriage is the root of how good or bad the marriage actually will be.
If you want to be a healthier person spiritually, and even mentally, you need to enhance the spiritual side of who you are so you can grow into the loving individual God wants you to become, which is the whole and complete person you truly can be! We all have certain issues in our lives that hold us back from attaining the spiritualism that I am talking about. What is holding you back? That is the question?
In my book, Journey on the Roads Less Traveled, I reveal what held me back. It is my personal testimony of dealing with alcohol addiction and how it stunted my mental and spiritual growth process, and kept me from loving others and myself properly. I was up there on cloud nine most of the early years of my marriage. I eventually came down off that cloud and grew up.
It is MY firm belief that to heal marriage according to how marriage is to be divinely inspired and healed, we need to fix ourselves FIRST! I don't care what some of the self-help books say, I just know this to be true because I've been there! If our marriage isn't good, we need to seek out the resources from the source that is going to actually do something constructive for the marriage, right?
Man himself can set forth a standard for you to follow based on beliefs of society and they may all seem so good and right but if they do not come from God what use are they, really? Most man-made principles come from God but have been twisted to fit into the standards of society, which can sound good and right. This takes great discernment on your part. What is right and wrong? How can you tell? Don't let the world fool you; don't let people fool you into believing what your ears want to hear. Look for the fruit. If there isn't any, then what good is that?
"He who tends a fig tree will eat its fruit" Proverbs 27:18. And in the same concept, "He who tends "himself" will eat its fruits in marriage, and whatever else he embarks on in his life.
If you originate from God, why are you looking to a mere stranger to heal your marriage troubles? God has told us what he wants for us to do for our marriage, but no one is following these precepts, not even those who call themselves Christian's. If you are sinning against the marriage in any way, how can you really expect the standards of society to save you from yourself? Society isn't going to tell you that being unfaithful is wrong, just as it won't tell you what is good and right for your marriage.
Society created the things that are tempting to us and wrong for our marriage. Immoral behavior and imagery is shoved into our face every single day and everywhere! God desperately wants us to put on His shield of armor and He will protect us from the evils of the outside world. This is precisely why we need to fix our self FIRST before we can fix anything with marriage! We do this by letting God lead us not into temptation of society, but instead deliver us from all the evils of society!
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full body armor (figuratively speaking) of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." [Ephesians 6:10-13]
We ought not to stand proud in our sin, but rather put our head down low, and stand humbly before God ready to give our sin(s) to Him. Now, I certainly don't know everything there is to know about the mysteries of God, and, like many of you, I am learning something new about the world around me every single day. Not a day goes by that God doesn't somehow and in some way reveal to me something new to share with others.
I have dealt with personally many of the issues most marriages go through in a lifetime, and sometimes my marriage was a living nightmare. But I grew out and away from what was holding me back, and I managed to heal my marriage with the help of biblical principles. I didn't learn how to be happy and content with myself by going to a therapist or a marriage counselor. And I knew that I couldn't fix my marriage until I fixed myself first. I had to stop drinking, and start to be aware of who I was as a person and where I was in relation to being that person.
What is my purpose? Who am I? Well, I am a child of God. Well then, if I am a child of God, then my source for comfort, happiness and marriage healing lies then in the seed God planted in my heart, which needs only to sprout and grow. Will the seed planted in my heart grow if I go outside of God's boundaries for the answers to my failings, and marriage troubles? No! I need to water the seed by staying within the boundaries of who I am.
One day I decided I wanted to understand what having spirituality in my life was all about, and eventually, I accepted Jesus Christ into my life. His Spirit, the Holy Spirit is a part of my life now. This is not something anyone can just hand over to you. Spirituality is something that you go after and attain on your own and it takes time and spiritual effort. Your relationship with God (Jesus Christ) is unique and special and unlike anyone else's relationship with Him.
True Marriage Healing is not made in a week, or months, but is a gradual growth process that husband and wife make within himself or herself. No marriage will ever be restored until "each" spouse looks at what he can do to change himself. Once this is attained, then and only then, can the marriage begin to be transformed? The big change comes through when we know who we are and what our purpose is in life. When we feel like our life has purpose and meaning, then we can start applying that purpose into our lives.
Many couples when they feel like there is no value or importance attached to their life, that is when they may go outside the boundaries of Gods precepts and search for substance through the establishments of society. The main objective here is for couples to change the way they value themselves and marriage and to help the marriage to grow in positive ways.
Who are you? What is your purpose in life? The answers are where you begin your search for the true source of marriage healing.
~~~
Angie Lewis is the author of Journey on the Roads Less Traveled, a book about love, life and marriage. Angie has written a new book, Love The Man Your Married. In her book Angie shares and answers comments and questions from married couples about marriage related issues that affect couples today.
The book involves all areas in marriage that couples need to know and understand and apply for a successful marriage. This book is a most reliable resource for married couples, from infidelity issues to complete forgiveness. It is my hope that all couples find and begin to utilize the biblical truths for their marriage by reading and studying this book.
If you value your relationship with your spouse, and want to read about positive ways to save your marriage, then this book is a must read! Pick up a copy today!
Subscribe to get your FREE monthly newsletter so you can learn to stay happily and forever married! http://www.heavenministries.com
Friday, June 5, 2009
Do Marriage Counselors Do More Harm Than Good? (by Larry Bilotta)
Before you begin screening marriage counselors to help you save your marriage, you MUST consider the potential drawbacks of marriage counseling so you can get all your facts straight FIRST. This article will help you avoid making a costly mistake that could not only set you back financially...but cost you your marriage as well.
In July of 1999, at a conference for professional marriage counselors, a credible marriage counselor by the name of Dr. William J. Doherty, gave a shocking report on the state of marriage counseling to his fellow professionals.
According to Doherty, most marriage counseling is HAZARDOUS, not helpful to your marriage.
Therapy-based, American style marriage counseling (practiced by most marriage counselors) can actually do more HARM than good in your marriage.
All hope is NOT lost however, for the rising number of struggling couples. There ARE more effective alternatives to marriage counseling - they are so effective in fact that even professional marriage counselors are admitting that couples need MARRIAGE EDUCATION more than they do marriage therapy.
In June of 1999, USA Today reported that, "Even fans of marriage counseling are saying disturbing things. Research shows that it doesn't work as well as we once thought and it might not last." That report reinforce the research that shows a great majority of marriage counselors conducting therapy have had no formal training at all.
This research further documented that two years after couples went through marriage counseling, 25% of the couples were WORSE OFF than before they started the therapy.
Up to 38% of them actually divorced.
Perhaps what's even more shocking is the fact that therapists who actually work with COUPLES, are in the minority.
80% of all private practice marriage counselors in the U.S. say they conduct marriage therapy, yet only 12% are in a profession that requires them to take EVEN ONE course on dealing with couples.
If you ask marriage counselors about their approach, the vast majority will tell you that they find working with individuals much more "productive" than working with couples.
Dr. William J. Doherty stated, "Couples therapy is the most difficult therapy of all because every session starts with the threat of divorce".
After training marriage counselors for a living, in his 1999 address at the conference for professional marriage counselors, Dr. Doherty called the methods of marriage counselors, "Hazardous to your marital health."
He established four ways that marriage counselors have produced DESTRUCTIVE outcomes in marriages.
According to Doherty, there are four ways marriage counselors can do more harm than good in your marriage...
1. By being incompetent
2. By being neutral
3. By pathologizing (telling you why your marriage is "sick")
4. By being overtly undermining (attempting to break up the marriage)
INCOMPETENT: In the case of incompetent marriage counselors, the counselor has not been trained to work with couples together. They believe working with two people is an expanded version of working with one, but it is not. An individual is easy to listen to, but a battling couple is not. Working with couples requires skill, structure and a very different approach than one-on-one therapy.
NEUTRAL: These marriage counselors, Doherty claims, are not neutral about marriage at all. When a counselor appears to be neutral, but actually takes sides with the more self-oriented spouse, they are undermining the marriage. "When a counselor uses the language of individual self interests, it undercuts the moral commitment that is owed to the marriage." Doherty stated.
PATHOLOGIZING: Pathologizing is when marriage counselors build a case insisting that the couple has a "sick" relationship. They actually ENCOURAGE couples to get a divorce by saying things like, "Why SHOULD YOU hang in there? Why be a victim?" These marriage counselors make couples believe that they're being abused, which causes both spouses to draw their only conclusion: "If the professional thinks this is over, then I should too."
UNDERMINING: While telling couples what they should do is against the code of ethics of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, many therapists still do it. These therapists say phrases like, "You should probably end this marriage." or, "If you're going to stay sane, you should move out." Undermining therapists urge husbands and wives to sever their relationships with family members and spouses.
If you're looking for a good marriage counselor, Dr. Doherty urges you to ask questions first. Learn about the therapists' values by asking questions like these:
1. Are you self taught, workshop-trained or college educated in working with couples?
Bad Answer: College educated.
Good Answer: Self taught or workshop trained and they speak convincingly about how their program saves marriages.
2. What is your attitude about saving a troubled marriage vs. helping a couple break up?
Bad Answer: "It's not my decision. Couples have to make their own decision." (This is an evasive answer...not a good sign.)
Good Answer: "I help couples find ways to stay together and help them understand and overcome their problems."
3. Where do you stand when one spouse wants to stay and the other wants a divorce?
Bad Answer: "I try to get people to understand their own feelings." (This is a focus on the individual, NOT the couple.)
Good Answer: "This is normally what I see with couples. I have ways to help them both handle this in positive ways."
4. What percentage of your practice involves both husband and wife?
Bad Answer: "I find working with husbands and wives individually to be more practical."
Good Answer: "All of it. When both people are with me and following my process, I find they have the greatest success rate."
5. Of all the couples you treat, what percentage stay married and have a better marriage in the end?
Bad Answer: "100%" or "I don't keep that type of information."
Good Answer: About 70 to 80% stay happily married, while the rest drop out of my process and are unwilling to finish.
The difference in the answers you receive from marriage counselors is the feeling you get when you talk with them. Bad answers feel evasive or vague while good answers are confident and positive.
Now that you know the right questions to ask, you can confidently screen marriage counselors, separating the GOOD from the bad. But if you're hesitant about bringing a marriage counselor into your marriage, as Dr. Doherty suggested, marriage education might be the answer you're looking for.
Want to get back on track with the one you love? Find out if you’re already on the "Secret Path" to Divorce and learn how to stay off it forever. Get your FREE Special Report at http://www.stopyourdivorcein4weeks.com/secret.html.
In July of 1999, at a conference for professional marriage counselors, a credible marriage counselor by the name of Dr. William J. Doherty, gave a shocking report on the state of marriage counseling to his fellow professionals.
According to Doherty, most marriage counseling is HAZARDOUS, not helpful to your marriage.
Therapy-based, American style marriage counseling (practiced by most marriage counselors) can actually do more HARM than good in your marriage.
All hope is NOT lost however, for the rising number of struggling couples. There ARE more effective alternatives to marriage counseling - they are so effective in fact that even professional marriage counselors are admitting that couples need MARRIAGE EDUCATION more than they do marriage therapy.
In June of 1999, USA Today reported that, "Even fans of marriage counseling are saying disturbing things. Research shows that it doesn't work as well as we once thought and it might not last." That report reinforce the research that shows a great majority of marriage counselors conducting therapy have had no formal training at all.
This research further documented that two years after couples went through marriage counseling, 25% of the couples were WORSE OFF than before they started the therapy.
Up to 38% of them actually divorced.
Perhaps what's even more shocking is the fact that therapists who actually work with COUPLES, are in the minority.
80% of all private practice marriage counselors in the U.S. say they conduct marriage therapy, yet only 12% are in a profession that requires them to take EVEN ONE course on dealing with couples.
If you ask marriage counselors about their approach, the vast majority will tell you that they find working with individuals much more "productive" than working with couples.
Dr. William J. Doherty stated, "Couples therapy is the most difficult therapy of all because every session starts with the threat of divorce".
After training marriage counselors for a living, in his 1999 address at the conference for professional marriage counselors, Dr. Doherty called the methods of marriage counselors, "Hazardous to your marital health."
He established four ways that marriage counselors have produced DESTRUCTIVE outcomes in marriages.
According to Doherty, there are four ways marriage counselors can do more harm than good in your marriage...
1. By being incompetent
2. By being neutral
3. By pathologizing (telling you why your marriage is "sick")
4. By being overtly undermining (attempting to break up the marriage)
INCOMPETENT: In the case of incompetent marriage counselors, the counselor has not been trained to work with couples together. They believe working with two people is an expanded version of working with one, but it is not. An individual is easy to listen to, but a battling couple is not. Working with couples requires skill, structure and a very different approach than one-on-one therapy.
NEUTRAL: These marriage counselors, Doherty claims, are not neutral about marriage at all. When a counselor appears to be neutral, but actually takes sides with the more self-oriented spouse, they are undermining the marriage. "When a counselor uses the language of individual self interests, it undercuts the moral commitment that is owed to the marriage." Doherty stated.
PATHOLOGIZING: Pathologizing is when marriage counselors build a case insisting that the couple has a "sick" relationship. They actually ENCOURAGE couples to get a divorce by saying things like, "Why SHOULD YOU hang in there? Why be a victim?" These marriage counselors make couples believe that they're being abused, which causes both spouses to draw their only conclusion: "If the professional thinks this is over, then I should too."
UNDERMINING: While telling couples what they should do is against the code of ethics of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, many therapists still do it. These therapists say phrases like, "You should probably end this marriage." or, "If you're going to stay sane, you should move out." Undermining therapists urge husbands and wives to sever their relationships with family members and spouses.
If you're looking for a good marriage counselor, Dr. Doherty urges you to ask questions first. Learn about the therapists' values by asking questions like these:
1. Are you self taught, workshop-trained or college educated in working with couples?
Bad Answer: College educated.
Good Answer: Self taught or workshop trained and they speak convincingly about how their program saves marriages.
2. What is your attitude about saving a troubled marriage vs. helping a couple break up?
Bad Answer: "It's not my decision. Couples have to make their own decision." (This is an evasive answer...not a good sign.)
Good Answer: "I help couples find ways to stay together and help them understand and overcome their problems."
3. Where do you stand when one spouse wants to stay and the other wants a divorce?
Bad Answer: "I try to get people to understand their own feelings." (This is a focus on the individual, NOT the couple.)
Good Answer: "This is normally what I see with couples. I have ways to help them both handle this in positive ways."
4. What percentage of your practice involves both husband and wife?
Bad Answer: "I find working with husbands and wives individually to be more practical."
Good Answer: "All of it. When both people are with me and following my process, I find they have the greatest success rate."
5. Of all the couples you treat, what percentage stay married and have a better marriage in the end?
Bad Answer: "100%" or "I don't keep that type of information."
Good Answer: About 70 to 80% stay happily married, while the rest drop out of my process and are unwilling to finish.
The difference in the answers you receive from marriage counselors is the feeling you get when you talk with them. Bad answers feel evasive or vague while good answers are confident and positive.
Now that you know the right questions to ask, you can confidently screen marriage counselors, separating the GOOD from the bad. But if you're hesitant about bringing a marriage counselor into your marriage, as Dr. Doherty suggested, marriage education might be the answer you're looking for.
Want to get back on track with the one you love? Find out if you’re already on the "Secret Path" to Divorce and learn how to stay off it forever. Get your FREE Special Report at http://www.stopyourdivorcein4weeks.com/secret.html.
Is Your Marriage Problem Severe Enough To Warrant Getting A Divorce? (by Karl Augustine)
Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you're trying to do all you can to make your marriage work. Depending on how your marriage was prior to thinking that you had a marriage problem, you could be in for a hurtful time if you don't take a step back and look at your marriage problem from a "helicopter" viewpoint. To do that, you're going to need to try to limit your emotional stake in the situation which admittedly is a difficult thing to do.
The first step in getting over a marriage problem is to remember that you aren't alone, lots of couples have marriage problems that stem from all kinds of different types of behavior.
Here's a partial list of marriage problems that you may or may not be experiencing:
Marriage problem #1:
Lack of sexual intimacy - a serious issue that you must work through in my opinion if your going to work it out.
Marriage problem #2:
Exploding during an argument, getting too emotional and letting your temper get the best of you - you need to learn to work together and you can't do that if one of you is getting too heated.
Marriage problem #3:
Being selfish - eventually this will catch up to you. You should always think of your partner when you think of yourself.
Marriage problem #4:
Being dishonest - another serious issue. If you cannot be 100% honest and open with your mate, you're marriage is most likely doomed or at the very least unhappy.
Marriage problem #5:
Teasing too much - generally the husband does this but it could go either way. If there's a little bit of truth to the teasing or there's a greater marriage problem that incites the teasing, you could be in for a long road to recovery together. Chances are that you'll have a lot more work to do to correct this marriage problem.
Marriage problem #6:
Not respecting your spouse - this marriage problem can result in all types of other problems. If you are experiencing this you must get to the root of this and figure out why the disrespect is present. If you aren't getting the every day respect that you deserve, make it a priority to not let this go on another day.
Marriage problem #7:
Not being attentive to your spouse or not listening to your spouse - men are usually guilty of this marriage problem but is isn't exclusive to the weaker gender by any means. Really listening doesn't mean obeying, it means understanding what's important to your spouse and acting accordingly.
Obviously there are many other things that could be labeled a "marriage problem", you have to decide what those are as they pertain to your situation.
So, how do you figure out if a marriage problem or problems are severe enough to warrant a divorce?
You should first examine what your marriage problem actually is and decide if it is exclusively a problem for you or if it is something that you both consider to be a marriage problem. If you are the only one who sees the said action as a marriage problem, you have to decide whether or not that specific marriage problem is being caused by you or whether it is truly a problem brought on by your spouse. If the marriage problem is unique to you, seek some help from a counselor and do yourself the courtesy of trying to correct the problem before you believe that you need to run right out and get a divorce. You'll be a better person for it because you will have fixed something within yourself.
However, if you truly believe that the marriage problem is caused and prolonged by your spouse, sit down with yourself first and examine what you believe to be the root cause of the behavior that creates the marriage problem. Make sure that you are being logical when you identify the behavior that you feel is causing the marriage problem and try to recall if the traits or behavior that you've identified in your spouse are 'fixable' in your mind...assuming of course, that your spouse will agree that you are right.
Next, approach your spouse with the information that you've reflected on and try to talk through the cause of the marriage problem. Hopefully your spouse will be open to constructive discussion regarding the marriage problem so you can work through it together. If you cannot do work on the marriage problem together, seek the help of a mediator or marriage counselor so you can actually talk out the marriage problem logically. If you cannot work it out after counseling, other divorce advice, deep self-reflection and discussions, you should be able to decide whether or not the marriage problem warrants a divorce or not.
Of course, no one can decide this but you.
Karl Augustine
"A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce"
An eBook recommended by marriage counselors and relationship coaches to their clients.
Get FREE Chapters!
Marriage Problem
The first step in getting over a marriage problem is to remember that you aren't alone, lots of couples have marriage problems that stem from all kinds of different types of behavior.
Here's a partial list of marriage problems that you may or may not be experiencing:
Marriage problem #1:
Lack of sexual intimacy - a serious issue that you must work through in my opinion if your going to work it out.
Marriage problem #2:
Exploding during an argument, getting too emotional and letting your temper get the best of you - you need to learn to work together and you can't do that if one of you is getting too heated.
Marriage problem #3:
Being selfish - eventually this will catch up to you. You should always think of your partner when you think of yourself.
Marriage problem #4:
Being dishonest - another serious issue. If you cannot be 100% honest and open with your mate, you're marriage is most likely doomed or at the very least unhappy.
Marriage problem #5:
Teasing too much - generally the husband does this but it could go either way. If there's a little bit of truth to the teasing or there's a greater marriage problem that incites the teasing, you could be in for a long road to recovery together. Chances are that you'll have a lot more work to do to correct this marriage problem.
Marriage problem #6:
Not respecting your spouse - this marriage problem can result in all types of other problems. If you are experiencing this you must get to the root of this and figure out why the disrespect is present. If you aren't getting the every day respect that you deserve, make it a priority to not let this go on another day.
Marriage problem #7:
Not being attentive to your spouse or not listening to your spouse - men are usually guilty of this marriage problem but is isn't exclusive to the weaker gender by any means. Really listening doesn't mean obeying, it means understanding what's important to your spouse and acting accordingly.
Obviously there are many other things that could be labeled a "marriage problem", you have to decide what those are as they pertain to your situation.
So, how do you figure out if a marriage problem or problems are severe enough to warrant a divorce?
You should first examine what your marriage problem actually is and decide if it is exclusively a problem for you or if it is something that you both consider to be a marriage problem. If you are the only one who sees the said action as a marriage problem, you have to decide whether or not that specific marriage problem is being caused by you or whether it is truly a problem brought on by your spouse. If the marriage problem is unique to you, seek some help from a counselor and do yourself the courtesy of trying to correct the problem before you believe that you need to run right out and get a divorce. You'll be a better person for it because you will have fixed something within yourself.
However, if you truly believe that the marriage problem is caused and prolonged by your spouse, sit down with yourself first and examine what you believe to be the root cause of the behavior that creates the marriage problem. Make sure that you are being logical when you identify the behavior that you feel is causing the marriage problem and try to recall if the traits or behavior that you've identified in your spouse are 'fixable' in your mind...assuming of course, that your spouse will agree that you are right.
Next, approach your spouse with the information that you've reflected on and try to talk through the cause of the marriage problem. Hopefully your spouse will be open to constructive discussion regarding the marriage problem so you can work through it together. If you cannot do work on the marriage problem together, seek the help of a mediator or marriage counselor so you can actually talk out the marriage problem logically. If you cannot work it out after counseling, other divorce advice, deep self-reflection and discussions, you should be able to decide whether or not the marriage problem warrants a divorce or not.
Of course, no one can decide this but you.
Karl Augustine
"A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce"
An eBook recommended by marriage counselors and relationship coaches to their clients.
Get FREE Chapters!
Marriage Problem
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